Illusion and Disillusion
by Zoe1078
Summary: An angsty little post-BD one shot. What happens after Bella lowers her shield to Edward? BxE, BxJ.


A/N: A tiny, angsty little post-BD one shot that popped into my brain tonight. It somehow ended up in Edward's POV. No idea how that happened. Unbeta'ed and it shows.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyer. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright  
infringement is intended.

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Ironically, the thing that Edward has wanted the most since meeting his wife is the very thing that destroys his happiness. The first time it happens, he is simply overjoyed. When she lowers her shield to open her mind to him, he is overwhelmed by a flood of her love. He would weep if he still could.

At first, he respects her privacy and doesn't ask for it again. Her Mona Lisa smile intrigues him, beguiles him. He wonders, just as he always had, what is going through her mind. Every other mind on the planet is so pedantic. So predictable. But hers, hers is quiet and still, and such a lovely mystery. And the one time he peeked inside was the best moment of his existence. She showered him with brilliant emotions that he did not deserve.

Alternately, he is grateful that she cannot read his mind. He loves her truly, he does, but she would not want to know how he misses her beguiling, tempting, delectable human scent. She would not appreciate how he misses watching her sleep, misses listening to her dream about him. He misses living a human life vicariously through her. He has gained so much more, of course, a mate to stay by his side for eternity, a powerful partner to stand up for their beliefs and defend their family against the forces aligned against them, a daughter he never dreamed of having. Ah, their daughter. Conceived in the most blissful moments he will ever have the pleasure of experiencing. Her new body is beautiful. Resilient. A match for his own. But her old body was soft. Warm. Inviting. The restraint it required to be with her as a human was nearly more than he could maintain, and he is grateful that she is unbreakable now. But privately, he mourns for the clumsy, sexy, yielding form she discarded so that she could stay with him forever.

But he is grateful. Really, he is.

And now that she is a vampire, now that she has learned to raise and lower her shield at will, he has the whole of time stretching out before him to explore the inner workings of her amazing mind. He begins to crave it. He seeks it out. He has lost her human body, but gained access to her mind. And why would she deny him?

So he works up the courage to ask for it again. Asks her to lower her shield again to let him have a peek.

At first, she does it only when he asks. This works out beautifully. He is even more enamored of her than he already was. Her love for him is so blinding. And who does not like to be worshipped?

It is only later that he realizes how much she had been filtering the thoughts she allowed him to see.

In the beginning, he only asks in private. He asks in moments of intimacy. Of love. She lets him in one night during a heady moment of passion, and he spends the rest of his existence reliving that exquisite moment.

The next time he asks, she plays coy. At the time, it attracts him more. In retrospect, he wonders if she was deliberately hiding something.

But as time goes by, she gets more and more used to letting him in. She starts by granting him moments. Little flashes of affection and adoration. He relishes it. So he asks for more.

He is so pleased that she starts to lower her shield for longer frames, giving him minutes rather than seconds, and complex emotions instead of just focused thoughts.

It isn't enough for him. Every taste leaves him wanting more.

Until it becomes too much. Until it takes her beguiling mystery away.

The first time that happens, they are inside the kitchen overlooking the backyard. Bella lowers her shield as she remembers standing in their massive kitchen in Forks for the first time. She allows her memories of being introduced to his whole family at once to flow into his mind, followed by her recollection of being led into his room for the first time. The memory has soft edges to it, and a sepia tone. Suddenly, young Renesmee, squealing in delight, sprints into view out of nowhere. Jacob, laughing joyfully, bounds in on her heels. He tackles her playfully to the ground and tickles her mercilessly. It is the sort of thing that would normally make a father uncomfortable, a nearly grown man showing such physical affection toward his pubescent appearing daughter. But he can see right into Jacob's mind, and he knows that Jacob just wants to hear the sound of his daughter's laughter. Nothing more. What disturbs him is what he hears in his wife's mind.

Sharp, painful jealousy. Of her own child. That Jacob's warm hands touch the skin of another and not her own. Bella locks it away and throws up her shield as soon as the thought escapes, but it is too late. Edward cannot unknow it. He has always known that she loved Jacob, but he was content in the fact that she had chosen him instead. He tries to keep that in mind. She looks at him, ashamed, with a terror in her eyes that he has not seen for a long time. With a wavering voice, she reassures him that what he heard was just an echo of a long dead feeling. An apparition from a past life. She carefully lowers her shield to send him another old feeling. The conviction she felt when she brought him back from Italy. Her absolute certainty that she could not survive without him.

His own dead heart drops into his stomach. She means to send him reassurance. But all he sees is not her love for him. It is her fear. But that cannot be what their marriage is based on. Can it? He cannot help but wonder: when Bella awoke to her new immortal life and flew into a rage at her best friend for imprinting on her baby girl, was it due to motherly protectiveness or petty envy? Edward starts to reexamine his memories for signs. Is she still in love with Jacob?

She is careful for the next several months to only allow him to hear thoughts of devotion. But the illusion has already been revealed. He has seen the man behind the curtain. Pulling the drapes together again can no longer hide the man.

Now every time he cannot hear her thoughts, he wonders what they are. If they resemble in the least the words that fall from her lips. Every time she speaks, he starts to wonder if it is a lie.

In desperation, she starts lowering her shield often in order to prove her feelings for him. But somehow that is worse. It feels contrived. And he can no longer pretend that she is any less petty than any other person he knows. He hears enough of her thoughts to know better.

The final blow comes less than a year later. Most of the family is away hunting, but he and Bella decide to stay behind and spend quality time with their daughter. Nessie has grown tired of the available local prey and had opted to stay home and eat human food. Edward, in particular, can't resist the opportunity to be with his child. Between Rosalie, Alice, Esme, and Jacob, her actual parents are normally left with little parenting to do.

The day goes unusually well when it begins. Jacob and Nessie grill steaks, rare as she prefers, and tease each other about their unusual tastes and appetites. After the meal, Jacob goes to the garage to tune up his Mustang convertible, claiming that he has to take advantage of Rosalie's absence so he can do the work himself. Nessie moves to the music room to practice her cello, a new passion that fills the house with rich, flowing sounds. Bella leans in the doorjamb and loses herself in her daughter's lovely talent. Edward comes up behind her several minutes later and wraps his arms around her waist. His wife looks more content than she has in weeks. So he ventures to ask what she is thinking about, and she calmly lowers her shield.

Bella is reliving her memory of seeing her baby girl for the very first time. Her honest happiness warms both his heart and hers. Edward looks into his wife's golden eyes and thinks maybe, just maybe everything will be alright.

Then Jacob slides into the room to enjoy Nessie's music. He casually leans against the far wall and glances back at them innocuously. Bella turns her head just far enough to make eye contact with her best friend.

And the world as they know it dissolves.

In horror, Edward sees what happens in both their minds at once.

Jacob's eyes dilate as he collapses to his knees, his heart nearly exploding in his chest. The thousand threads binding him to Renesmee pull taut, stretch, then snap. It is almost an audible sound in the room.

The loose, frayed tendrils of Jacob's life, the ones that bound him to his father, his sister, his pack, his people, his life, the ones that shredded instantly away in the moment he looked in Renesmee's eyes for the very first time and then wrapped onto the infant's soul, the myriad silver strands reach out, wavering, toward Bella. And in an instant they weave into her very being. Irrevocable. Unbreakable. Home.

Renesmee stops playing with a discordant twang, looking between Jacob and her mother.

Edward grips his wife's granite arms as she sways. Her thoughts are as loud as a siren wailing in his ear. She is too stunned to raise her defenses.

What Edward learns from her mind would kill him if he was still alive. Shock. Despair. Rage. Terror. Regret. But what is worse, swelling hope. Giddy joy. Calming contentment. And the sweetest, deepest love he has ever felt from her. Directed at another man.

Her soul's true mate.

Edward's dead heart cracks in two.

Renesmee asks everyone, asks no one, what is going on. Neither Bella nor Jacob can answer. They are lost in their own private universe. Edward can see it clearly. Jacob is, for the moment, physically unable to see anyone other than Bella. There is a swirling miasma of gray clouds in his vision, and at the center, her and nothing else. And before Bella's eyes flashes the life she should have had. College, just once. A rich career. New friends and old. Holidays with Renee. With Charlie. With Billy. The pack. Jacob, lines starting to show around his eyes when he laughs. Black haired, dark skinned children. Maturing. Evolving. Aging. Dying.

Life.

Edward reaches for the only thing that makes sense to him now, his daughter, while Bella slips down without his support. Jacob catches her in his strong arms before she hits the floor. He cradles her gently as they gaze into one another's eyes. With his other hand he brushes hair from her cheek and traces her bottom lip with his thumb.

Renesmee repeats her question.

Edward hears his own voice as if through a long tunnel. "Your mother lowered her shield in front of Jacob for the first time."

"So?" she asks in confusion.

"So his imprint found its way home." Edward is absurdly pleased with the steadiness of his voice.

"How is that possible?" she breathes. "What about me?"

Edward hears her thoughts clearly through the din of his wife's and rival's still open minds. He is relieved to find that she is hurt, she is confused, she is angry, but she is not quite old enough for her love for Jacob to have evolved past that of a serious crush. His daughter's heart isn't breaking. Just his.

"Your mother's shield was blocking him from imprinting on her like he was meant to," he hears himself explaining. "So his imprint landed on you. It had nowhere else to go. You are a living part of her. And you have her eyes."

"So he isn't mine anymore?" she asks.

"He never was," whispers Bella from across the room. "I'm so sorry," she says to everyone, but most of all, to Jacob. "I was such a fool. All along, I thought you couldn't be for me. That if you were meant to be mine, you'd have imprinted on me. I wanted it. I wanted it so badly. But it didn't happen, so I..."

Edward finishes her sentence, "You chose me."

She suddenly realizes that Edward is still there and immediately locks her shield around her. He hopes desperately, for just a split second, that the imprint will be repelled again. But it is not to be.

So he flees. His daughter calls after him, and he ignores her. He hears Jacob's thoughts that the young wolf still has every intention of taking care of Renesmee. He still loves his imprint's daughter. The imprint is gone, but what is real remains. Jacob's love for Nessie is actually not unlike Edward's love for her.

Behind Renesmee, Bella stands with mouth agape. He will turn go back if she asks him to. What else could he do? But she isn't calling out for him. Instead, she drops her shield once more in a dramatic attempt to open her heart to him and bring him home. And he sees with crushing despair that she does love him. Just not enough. It is a reality she has not yet realized consciously.

So he runs.


End file.
